LJB’s blog

R's mum is in hospital in ICU in critical condition. Her liver is no longer functioning causing problems with her veins and internal bleeding. She was rushed to surgery last night and required CPR twice - she has been kept in sedation since. Prayers for her. She is very elderly and very frail and it would break R's heart to lose her now.

Surgery apparently went well. Hole was 8cm in diameter and a mesh has been applied so that it hopefully won't happen again. Can I just say . . .

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

I didn't expect it to hurt quite so much. Post op I was given Panadiene Forte and Nurofen. Umm, hello? You just cut me open! Where's my frickering morphine?!?!?!? Whinging and yelling clearly help as morphine was eventually produced. Very pissed off. Not able to move much. In pain a lot. Grrrrrr!

Must have been a bit of a trouble maker in recovery because I was there for a few hours. I vaguely remember thrashing about and yelling that I was sore and at some stage I've bitten my lip and drawn blood - I'll just add it to the list of sore bits!

Onwards and upwards!

I finally have agreed to head in for the surgery required. Tomorrow is the day!!

I have an umbilical hernia. Most of the time I don't even notice it but every so often it causes immense and distressing pain and it looks revolting. Who really wants a honeydew-melon-sized lump on their stomach?

So tomorrow is it! The day I willingly enter a hospital to be but to sleep, cut open and made incapacitated yet again. (yes, I do so love the medical establishment!).

I have this. It's a full on curse. Every year I plan to 'have fun'. Every year the universe shits on me for that one night. This year was no exception.

As a treat I went on a norty weekend to see my lover J. More on him later, I'm sure. J wanted to take me out for New Years as we've never done it before. I warned him of the curse but he didn't believe me. Fool! lol

We went out to a club on a beach in Sydney. Nice weather. I looked great, was feeling good, having a nice break from life and ready for a good night.

Problem 1. J got drunk. I specifically asked him not to. So he said ok. Promised not to drink anymore. He did. GRRR. I adore J sober. Drunk he's just annoying.

Problem 2. Just 4 minutes to midnight I realise that my credit card and driver's licence have been stolen. Joy!

Problem 3. Can't phone the bank to cancel the card so decide to go home. Miss two cabs because drunk J wants a kebab. Grrrr.

Problem 4. Start walking (in non walking shoes!) back to where I'm staying. Fortunately find a cab but not before my feet are killing me.

Problem 5. Cancel my card. No idea how to get on the plan with no photo id.

Problem 6. Have a hernia attack the next morning. No idea about hospitals/doctors/ambulance cover in Sydney so take some pain medication, lie back and tell myself to 'suck it up'. Fortunately after 2 hours of intense pain, it worked.

So overall, the New Year's Curse continues!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(oh and I clearly did manage to get on the plane. 100 points plus of other id and a lot of begging go a long way!)

R had a suspicion. I didn't have a clue. No idea. Part of me would like to think I knew but was ignoring the signs but quite frankly, I had NO idea of what was coming.

In March of that year, R developed a cough following a cold. We'd all had it in the house and I didn't think much of it. Except that it drove me crazy. Cough, Cough, Cough. Grrr. Cough, Cough, Cough. Grrr.Cough, Cough, Cough. Grrr. DROVE ME NUTS! R went to the Dr and got antibiotics and was told the cough would go in it's own time. Apparently he had a virus! LOL. Oh yes, a virus!!!

In April, my then boss sent me to Melbourne for a weekend to research a trade show that was happening. As a thank you for hard work, she also paid for R and A to come alone. A weekend away!! FUN! Actually not really. I worked. R and A did some sight seeing and it was COLD. R's cough got a lot worst that weekend. He also developed an infection in his left eye. Think conjunctivitis x 100. Not good. It was around this time that we noticed R was losing weight. He has always been thing however so it still didn't click with me.

R went to the dr who gave him some eye drops and a chest xray to see what was going on. We found out he had pneumonia.  I thought that explained the weight loss - he felt like crap, was run down so lost weight. The drops didn't work on his eye so he was sent to a specialist who gave him some high powered drops that he had to use every 15 minutes. Apparently it was around this time that R thought there was something going on. Unknown to me, the pneumonia diagnoses scared him. Meanwhile, I was preparing to TTC.

R went for a blood test specifically to test for HIV, Hepatitis, STD's etc.

The result wasn't good.

In hindsight, I should have seen it. I should have known.

Both R and I have done volunteer work for the Qld Aids Council. We knew the symptoms, the warnings, the opportunistic diseases. Still, it didn't click. At times I still berate myself for being stupid. But at the time, HIV was so far out of my realm of possibility that it didn't occur to me it was living in my own home.

The whale has been seen in public!

Yes, I have braved the local swimming pool at lunch complete with body in a swim suit!

Heart palpitations - check

Embaressment - check

Celluite - check

But then it dawned on me - the size 10 girls sunbaking (STUPID) on the side of the pool don't have three kids. They haven't had twins. They don't have a hernia the size of a large grapefuit and they don't have my wonderful life.

Pfft. They can keep their size 10 - I'll waddle along anytime!!

With my bike!

Oh. dear. God.

In an effort to make exercise more appealing, the family has bought some bikes.

So far I've been too nervous to go out with anyone so have hit the high road by myself. I think I've found an all new road though!

Starting off, feeling pretty good that I managed to get off my butt at all, I've cycled about 1 minute. I hit a bump and come down on the seat. An evil seat which decides it doesn't like said bump and tips up at an almost 90 degree angle right into my hoohar!!

On the bright side, at least something in the house is getting some! lol

In an effort to shift some of my lumbering weight I have joined Weight Watchers.

Now, given I have previous seen exercise as the work of the devil and salad as something that rabbits should only eat, this is a BIG DEAL. I've always been comfortable with my weight but I seem to have blown out over the last year. Still, even at the start of weight watchers I was lighter than what I was when I first got pregnant with B1 and B2 - nothing quite like the comfort eating associated with infertility and dealing with HIV in the house!

So, 5 weeks ago, I joined my sister at Weight Watchers. I've tried previously to lose weight on my own and have usually shed a kilo or two but stopped - lack of motivation and see above problems with my view on exercise and salads!

I like WW though. I can still eat what I want. I just track it and I have a limit per day. So if I want I can eat a whole block of chocolate. But I won't be eating for three days! lol. Or, I can choose to eat a tomato and still be able to eat!

So far to date I have lost 5.3 kilos!! WOOHOO!! I'm actually getting my jawline back!!! Overall I'm feeling good about it - in the back of my mind is the thought that IF the worst with DH does eventuate, I have a responsibility to my children to stay alive as long as I can so call me a devil-loving rabbit!

Off to find out what the hell baby rocket is - I'm assuming not a kindy for NASA??

We have two clear sides to our extended family - his and hers. The Grand Canyon isn't even large enough to describe the differences between them.

My family - Mum, Dad, Sis and Sis' kids, and my grandmother.  There are more but they are the most important people around.

Mum, Dad and Sis all know about us and are nothing but supportive. They have been since the day they were told about DH's HIV and nothing has changed in the years since. They know the boys were conceived with donor sperm and it's made no difference to them. Most of the time, it's not even an issue with them. I love them all the more for it. The support I have received from them is incredible. It's also a double-edged sword as they love DH as their own so I know they have their grief and bad days too.

Sis' kids do not know - my sis's choice. She didn't want them told yet. When they are old enough to understand and not be frightened, they will be told. They will be told about the boys also, but not until we feel they are at the stage where they will not treat them any differently. My lovely grandmother doesn't know, simply because it would break her heart to learn that something was wrong with DH - she loves him too. She doesn't know DH is gay because it hasn't been important to tell her - do you tell your grandmother you're straight? Most people don't ;)

His family - a large number of siblings and his mother. We sadly lost his Dad the month we conceived the boys - there's a joke in our house that we asked his Dad and my Grandfather (both passed) for help and they both got in on the act, hence the TWO babies! lol. NONE of his family know.

DH's mother is elderly and frail. She spent a great many years working for the Qld Aids Council (irony, hey!) and has been there and seen all the bad bits to HIV. She knows he is gay. She does not know about the HIV. She does not know about the boys biological makeup. To tell one is to lead to the other so we haven't gone there. DH wants to spare her the pain of knowing, because it IS pain.

His siblings - most know he is gay. None know of the HIV and none know of the use of a donor. A few times DH has toyed with telling but not so far. The main reason is that they are not as supportive. They will be more concerned as to themselves and their feelings. They may (ok, probably will!) say stupid things to hurt DH. They will treat the boys differently that they do A. These things we know based on their past behaviour. One day, after his mother has passed, I think DH will want to tell them, but not yet. I have told Dh that he can do that on one condition - I must be there. I refuse them let them vent their anger and hurt at him. Hate the virus, not the man. There is so much more to him than that.

This is the story of how I met DH. . . .

I was 17; DH was 19.

DH was the Secretary of a gay social group at a local University.

I had just moved to Brisbane from a regional area and was wide-eyed and bushy tailed. Not exactly naive thoug ;). When arriving to Brisbane, I promptly announced to my parents that I was moving out. I wanted to stretch my wings and be out from under their thumb. I wanted FREEDOM, I wanted INDEPENDENCE. And fuck yes, I wanted SEX! lol

I moved into a share house that housed 10 (yes 10!) other people. Talk about an eye opener. Two of those people, I had gone to school with - Karla - my best girlfriend at the time and Chris - my best gay-friend at the time. Karla had gotten into uni - Chris and I didn't want to go so Chris was going to TAFE (to study fashion!) and I started working. Karla was wandering around her new university during Orientation week and saw a stand for a gay social group. Given that Chris was new in town she sauntered over and started talking to a nice guy behind the table who said that yes, Chris could join in even though he wasn't at uni. Karla promptly invited him to a party that was going to be at the house the next weekend and he agreed.

We met at that party. We were friends immediately - totally comfortable, laughing etc. And we've never really stopped.

R slept over that night in Karla's room and being young and dumb, she decided that she wanted to lose her virginity to him. hahahahahahaha. Oh the things we do! Needless to say, it didn't work. I think she was missing some vital equipment!!

I knew R was gay from before I met him. There was never any question of it. Did I think we would end up together as we are? No way! But I knew even then that we were great friends which has never changed.  We have known each other for 17 years now - half my life! And I wouldn't change anything about having met him, known him or loved him.